HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
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You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
My spirit animal is fried chicken
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
What my back needs
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.