As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
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me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.