DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
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Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
This made me chuckle cuz mood
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
a badder mouse
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
Tremendous stuff