Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
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You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
The fall of Netflix
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.