I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
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This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
sigh
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
This is no longer winter this is harassment
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.