If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
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*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.