My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
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If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.