what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
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My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
My brain is a bad influence on me
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
Eat…
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.