Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
You Might Also Like
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
This sounds bad:
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor