What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
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Best spoiler warning ever
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious