I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
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I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
Google Pay be like:
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence