Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
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Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
My guardian angel deserves a raise
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping