Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
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you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??