[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
You Might Also Like
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
Who knew!
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.