[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
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“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
Did my cat write this
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
When a shoelace touches your ankle