[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
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It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing