A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
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5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
The glory of fall.
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?