It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
You Might Also Like
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
Brother?
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?