This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
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*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
can’t bark with your mouth full
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.