It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
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Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.