Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
You Might Also Like
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
😜
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
When you have to marry your mother-in-law