What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
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Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.