Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
You Might Also Like
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
My dryer is celebrating lint.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
a badder mouse
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?