If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
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I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns