There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
You Might Also Like
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
I needed a laugh this morning.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
Raisins are grape jerky.
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”