[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
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At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
The 4 stages of a family vacation
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died