“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
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It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.