band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
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If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone