[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
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My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
Was it something I said?
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever