My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
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me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
Every work call, he judges.
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.