[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
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Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
🤣🤣
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.