Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
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Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
when you are just born a rebel
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that