everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
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Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
Autocorrect completely socks