cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
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Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
Said the murderer.
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.