cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
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My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
pls suprot
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.