When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
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My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”