*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
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If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
I think about this a lot
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
ugh not again
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them