Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
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What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out