[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
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Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
I want this so bad
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
I love wikipedia
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.