“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
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me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
One venti cheeseburger please.
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking