If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
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I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.