Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
You Might Also Like
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?