Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
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I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
My daily affirmation
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
Forever 21… pounds overweight
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard