KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
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I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
Ron is short for Aaronald
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
Life is a suicide mission.
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.