All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
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When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.