[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
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me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
Holy shit he’s back
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
U talkin 2 me?
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.