Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
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Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
Jogging has never helped my memory.
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
Uh oh…
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to