So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
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The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
Investing in beetcoin
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
Finally!
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS