Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
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Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
*pronounces UPS like yoops
*launders Kohls cash*
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.