Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
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Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
drew a comic about my origin story
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now